FIBBY!!

I've kinda resigned myself to using this blog not just for writing--but also sharing my daily thoughts. I'm a bit bummed about that. I wish I were writing more. But hey, can't do everything at once, right?

My good friend wrote me an email at 6am saying that she wasn't inviting me over but demanding that I come over to hang out with her and her family. So i went. We had breakfast for dinner with their 3 beautiful kids. I got to laugh, hug kids, watch the finale of the Bachelorette, dream about my future with Kip (Katie and Kiptyn 2010)...ha...

Sarah, I just love you a lot. You are a wonderful friend. Thank you for being thoughtful and faithful through the ups and downs of life. You are a blessing to your family and to your friends (even on the bad days).

Just took a beautiful walk to the beach on my lunch break.
I need to stop more--to watch how nature interacts
I like to smile and laugh at things when I'm by myself. It makes me smile even more. I need to do that more.

I saw whales. A whale. I think it was a whale--probably a seal. but let's go for whale. It would go underwater and my eyes would scan for where it was going to come up again. I pretended like we were playing a little game.

i'm trying to change my perspective on life.
memorizing Ephesians 3 helps.

Eventually, you have to come up for air.

I also drank a cup of tea today instead of coffee--yup, Katie Hund, the one who calls tea "dirty water". it wasn't that good--but i think avoiding coffee today will be good on my fickle tummy.

i am driving in the right lane

This morning I drove to work in the right lane.
Most mornings, once I get to Soquel ave, I head over to the left lane to avoid the merge at Morrissey and people taking the 17.

This morning I drove in the right lane--the whole time.

Once on Mission, I just drove. I didn't look ahead. Usually, when I see a car stopping to turn left, I immediately go over to the right lane to avoid the blockage. I didn't do that today.

I didn't check my clock to see if I was late. I just drove in a daze. It didn't help that I forgot my coffee and breakfast at home--or that i'm completely overwhelmed at work--or that I don't remember the last time I prayed with other people. Or that there are women in my office that bring in fresh dahlias and peonies every day from their garden--and my garden is dead.

Apathy (for me) is driving in the right lane.

Rhetorical Questions

You may choose to try and answer any of these questions if you'd like. They weren't really written to be answered though.

• In the face of California's budget crisis--does it make sense that the city of Los Angeles should cover the 1.4 million dollar bill for Michael Jackson's funeral?
• Do you think the older woman coworker who asked me yesterday if needed a hug--and then proceeded to hug me--knew that she was the first person to hug me in days?
• Do you think my daily sentiments would change if I received more physical affection?
  
• Why do conversations like this happen?
• K: How's your church going?
• W: good! hmmm. about 150-160 people...
• K: uhh. cool?
• How different is this conversation from the actual sentiments in my life?
• W: you know, you've got a good thing going!
  
• K: yeah?
  
• W: Yeah! you've come a long way since I first met you. Seems like you've got it figured out. You've created a good life for yourself here. Everything is in order.
• K: i guesss, yeah.
• W: I know you can't see it because it happens so slow.
• K: yeah, it's hard because even when it seems like you have "everything in order", you can still feel unsettled.
  

How I fill my days...

I stare at the same things most days on my computer screen--flipping back and forth between my google homepage, cnn headlines, google reader and facebook.

I recall my dreams (future and past). Today there was a moment from my dream last night that is haunting me--with beauty and longing. I don't think i've had a dream quite like it in a while.

Sitting and waiting--for something to capture my attention, for an update that would interest me. For something to get caught up in. I think of things to write--but am too bored to do it.

Maybe it doesn't help that I don't know what my job is--or that i'm listening to sappy folk music, or that the thought of doing this forever scares the shit out of me.

The life you save may be your own

1. I’ve always had the dream of buying a motorhome and living in it for a year. Traveling around or even staying put—just living at the beach. Working, living, reading, having friends over to play cards at the camper table.

2. I’ve always had the dream of being married for a bit before having kids. (which means that I’ve dreamed about getting married and also having kids).

3. I’ve always dreamed of owning a home.

4. I’ve dreamed of going to Africa and/or dropping everything to serve the poor and get my hands dirty.

5. I’ve dreamed of being a business woman.

6. I’ve dreamed of working at a church again.

7. I’ve dreamed of being involved at a church with my husband. Teaching, partnering, mentoring, hosting events…

8. I’ve dreamed of not having a job—gardening, cooking, walking—yet having enough going on in my life that it doesn’t make me depressed.


But when do I plan on doing all these things? I am now 26. Haven’t started on many of these endeavors. Or have tried to and haven’t made much progress (e.g. 2, 5, 8). As I see these dreams setting before my eyes I am reminded that life is short. Jacob Kirkendall was trying to put out a fire at the beach and is now extremely, burnt internally and externally, undergoing surgery and paralyzed in the hospital. Lee Purkey will die from melanoma while his kids are still young. My dad only has a few years left to finish all the things he wants to do.

So I’m here—working at a job I don’t like—hoping that maybe, somehow it can get better. I can see potential for myself here but it seems like such a long way off.

I’m currently living a life that I love. But I’m realizing how I’m living the life of a 35 year old woman. I AM NOT 35 YET. I bake, cook, garden. When I come home from a boring day at work—all I think of doing is making a delicious dinner, having a glass of wine and watching Jeopardy. How will I fulfill said dreams this way? I have had the mantra of “live the life you want—now!”. But is this really the life I want? Single, playing in a sandbox full of married couples, working as an assistant raising money for a university I transferred away from? Or is this lifestyle enabling me of actually achieving the life I want? If there line drawn between proactive and patience, is it 50/50?

Is it worth risking some of the above dreams in order to gain others?